I wrote this the other day, but haven’t posted it here until now.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sorry. I don’t even know who reads my blog, whether it’s 100 people or 1 person, this post that you are reading right now, I hope and pray it gives you a new or different perspective.
It’s time for me to get real.
Today has been a mentally draining day for me. We all know the wonderfully talented and brilliant Robin Williams died of apparent suicide today. This caught me so off guard because I had no idea Robin Williams suffered from depression. He was always the hilarious one. The one who captured our hearts with his wittiness and silly voices. The one you would watch when you needed a good laugh. I had no idea the pain and struggle he was dealing with behind the scenes. Literally.
The fact that he died of apparent suicide triggered something too close to home for me. A piece of me only a handful of people know. A struggle of mine I have never felt comfortable with sharing. I still don’t feel comfortable sharing but I feel an urgency to be transparent.
I have always suffered with depression, since I was a little girl. I never knew I had it, I just thought I was moody. What girl doesn’t go through mood swings? Well, ever since I was little, I was told I was a negative person and that no one would want to be around me. No one understood the battle I was facing because I didn’t even know how to comprehend it myself. Not until my senior year, was I diagnosed with depression. I thought it was just a side affect of my parents separating. So give me anti-depressants, lots of fresh air, counseling, and a busy schedule, and all will be fine. Or so we all thought. Little did I know, I have suffered from this mental illness my entire life. But it felt relieving to finally be able to identify my own demon I have battled since I can remember.
My freshman year of college (fall of 2011) I was forgetful and couldn’t seem to take my anti-depressants on a regular basis. I would do great for a week, feel so much better, more stable and happy, and then forget three days and be in the worst low of lows. This inconsistency led to my depression worsening. I found myself laying in bed every weekend, locking myself in my room, watching movies consecutively, or even simply not having the energy to shower. This depression began to consume me. It became my identity.
One weekend I was in my dorm room, my roommate was gone for the weekend- which she always was, (and I promise you, this memory is as cloudy and dark as can be. Literally when I think back, the colors are all dark but it’s also dark as in demonic. As far as the memory, it is cloudy as in I only remember bits and pieces) I remember hearing a voice saying, “just take away the pain yourself” as I laid in bed sobbing my eyes out from my misery. I was hurting so bad that I didn’t hesitate to take up that offer. I began to try to suffocate myself. Once by the grace of God I gained enough conscience to understand what I was doing, I gasped for a breath and gave up on my plan. Why did I not follow through with committing suicide? Because I truly believe God intervened. It’s like he pushed the demon out of my mind and brought me back to the realization of what I was doing.
I immediately called my mom, crying hysterically, she couldn’t understand me. I told her right then that I couldn’t stay at school anymore. I had to save myself. I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t have survived. Literally. A few weeks later, I packed my belongings, left college, and returned home. No way did my life suddenly become easier. I don’t know how I overcame it. I really don’t. There are no words that explain my healing process other than a miracle.
So, Robin Williams cut his life short. All because a demon in his mind. An internal battle. Where you are your worst enemy. This saddens me greatly because obviously I have personal experience with depression and suicide. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me sad. But it also upsets me that people say suicide is “the cowards way out,” or suicide is “a selfish act.” What people don’t understand outside looking in, it’s not a mentally healthy person making that decision. Please understand that. Thinking about my experience is the most painful thing for me to do. Every single time. It doesn’t get easier, it puts me in a phunk. But I am grateful for the deliverance, healing, and grace God showers on me every day- but especially that night. Because there is no explanation as to why I didn’t follow through with it, other than Him. He saved me from myself, and He has given me the most beautiful life. I have come to see that life is good. Not to say life isn’t difficult, or I don’t go through tough times, but life is good. Life is beautiful. And if it weren’t for Him, I would be in the ground right now.
So please, if you struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts, talk to me. I understand you. I know where you’re at. I know what it’s like, and I am here to listen.
RIP Robin Williams